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  May 15, 2013
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Chairside

Secrets ‘They’ Won’t Tell You

By By Montgomery Vickers, OD

Wisdom... Again, I selflessly offer you special knowledge—secret wisdom I have secretly acquired from some secret sources who shall remain nameless, as requested by Bob ... I mean SAM! Yeah, Sam.

In no particular order, here are some optometric secrets you need to know.

1. Your time is worth what someone else tells you it’s worth.

2. Obamacare will change dramatically after Hillary gets LASIK.

3. Some meatballs are not that good. But don’t tell my Mom.

4. There’s an online chat board for no-shows. Nobody uses it.

5. You should never do anything where the BEST possible outcome is death or, worse, you on You Tube acting a fool.

6. Rich patients always forget their wallet.

7. Contact lens Rx requests are always from past-due patients and brothers.

8. There is nothing heavier than copier paper.

9. The cure for glaucoma was recently discovered in Colorado—by the legislature. However, patients report more frequent side effects of “the munchies.”

10. Ophthalmologists who are employed by optometrists will soon be able to join the Paraoptometric Section of the AOA.

11. The ABO and AOS have a secret love child.

12. Always invest in your practice.

12(a). Your practice needs a boat.

13. “Meaningful use” equals “kidney stone.”

14. Have at least a couple of frames on the board that are made of 14-karat gold with big diamonds on the temples so your meth addict patients will want to come back, probably when you are not around.

15a. Shameless promotion will become a trend in optometry.

15b. Please “like” me on Facebook.

16. The next trend on the Internet will be online foreign body removal. Customers can buy an official sterile spud, or they can just get the “Value Package” with instructions about how to sterilize a grapefruit spoon.

17. When a patient says “Show me something cheap,” hand them a mirror.

18. To shape up, walk briskly during your lunch hour to the pizza place.

19. If you offer free eye examinations, patients will still ask if you accept their vision plan.

20. Don’t.

OK, that’s today’s lesson in optometric wisdom. You decide which of these little gems best applies to your own special situation. Now, I’d like very much to know what wisdom YOU can share, especially if it’s about the ABO/AOS baby.



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Secrets ‘They’ Won’t Tell You

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